"I don't know"

Aug 23

The phrase, the intention, the prayer - "I don't know... but I'm here and I'm available", is becoming more deeply true every day. In fact, it feels like the only thing I can say that feels completely, authentically true.

Perhaps that's why I have not written much lately... I just keep coming back to "I don't know". And I watch the familiar pull of old patterns - parts that seize up or panic at this notion, for all the ways that not knowing has been equated with failure. And I feel them narrow my vision and cave in around my heart for protection.

And when I see them, I do my best to really see them, and come back to a 'gentle yes'. To acknowledging that this was what the world taught them, but reminding them it is not true. And then shifting, expanding to remember the deep and sacred reverence that calls to us through "I don't know". The humble truth of it, that keeps me from building towers of false security around myself. And also the truth of the wild, incomprehensible Love that is there, ready to envelop and hold me, when I manage to surrender. Remembering that "I don't know", when combined with a foundational trust in the Knowing that I am held within (whether I see it or feel it or not), means I can also surrender the need to know, the seeking, the focus on becoming, and come back to this moment. The deep waters of this moment. And hold a hushed awe in my heart about all the 'whale' wonders held within it.

My "deep waters" lately seem to have been inviting me into deeper relationship with Rock. So powerful. So awe-inspiring. "I don't know" what the message / meaning is yet. Perhaps my mind never will. But I surrender to their presence, marvel at their Beauty, wonder at their spirit, and offer my embodied love, saying "I don't know... but I'm here, and I'm available".